Looking back over old journals or diaries is a bit like looking at old photographs or scrapbooks. It’s not really reality; just a glimpse of what it was like putting our own perspective and memories into the pictures as well. Tonight, I re-read all of my old entries from my old blog…”Suicide Birds and Seahorses.” Actually, not to sound arrogant, they were really good. So good in fact that I’ve decided to put them on here, one a day, to remind myself where I came from and how I see things differently now.
It was strange looking back at these entries, which ended almost to the day of my first date with Alex. I’m wondering now if meeting him completed some phase of my life that I was passing through at that time. I definitely saw life differently back then; almost a year ago. I read him one of the entries tonight, “Johnny”, which tells the story of the death of a goldfish my ex-boyfriend had bought me. Halfway through reading it, I began crying. When I was done, Alex asked, “what about reading that makes you cry?” And I wasn’t even entirely sure. “I really got it back then.” I said, but I’m not sure that’s really true. He kissed my forehead and went to bed. I was outside, walking the dog, watching the sky fill up with storms, and I realized I had been living in some kind of haze a year ago. And although that’s not bad, it’s definitely no way to live. But I do miss parts of my past and so I think maybe I can bring some of those things into my now and continue them in the future. Because many of my entries are about my ex-boyfriend, Shawn. And although I remember how great many of the times we had were, I also seem to “romance the past” somewhat and forget about the many times that were not so good. And how much I love Alex and how much he has changed my life. And as he’s sleeping upstairs, or at least attempting to fall asleep, I feel pretty damn lucky. He said he’s excited about sleeping in the thunderstorm. “Good sleeping weather.” I think he said, but I probably got that wrong. And that was exactly what I was thinking…good sleeping weather.
And last week, he left something on the bed that I found when I came home. It wasn’t Johnny. But it was close. And he gets me. Probably more than most. And although he thinks I’m crazy, he’s probably pretty lucky too.
So I’ll continue to coast and enjoy the ride, because…we’re on borrowed time as it is…